Thursday, October 18, 2007

It's been a while...

a lot has been going on, most of it not worthy of discussion let alone mention. i have been MIA for quite some time, mainly pouting about the shitty hand i have been dealt. yes, i have been a big ole baby about everything... whether it be my best friend moving a million hours away or the fact that my job and home life just plain suck, or any, and everything, in between, it has been eating away at the very core of my being.

generally, i am a positive person and i don't let much get me down, but DAMN!!!! a girl can only take so much before she jumps off the edge of the world and hopes to never return. i was that girl. i had had it and decided to cut myself off from all that i held close. it was easy. there were only two things left that i held enough emotion for to dispose of... one moved and the other was numb. not one fucking thing other than those mattered.

then i hit bottom. it's funny when you smack your face on the rock and slide further than you ever thought possible... people say it's rock bottom. i'm here to tell you the bottom is not rock. its marl. like the bottom of a lake. you sink in up to your hips. the more you struggle, the further it sucks you in. the further you sink, the harder you fight. the harder you fight, the further you sink... until you give up and concede to the muck. and you wait for it to pull you the rest of the way down. and you wait. and you wait. then you start to feel it settle. and you wait a little longer, hoping for that moment that it sucks you the rest of the way and puts you out of your misery. then it settles some more. then you get a little crazy and try to help it along but moving just a little... and you move easier than you thought you would. Fluke? you try again... it's still hard, but you move... Naw!! it can't be!!! you try another step. more movement. Hope??? progress... slow, agonizing progress...

i'm not 100%. i don't know that i ever will be again, but i know that i am closer to it than i have been in a long time. i have spent so much time blaming my problems on other, uncontrollable circumstances that i forgot that i am in control of my own destiny and my own happiness. the marl has taught me that. now i don't ask forgiveness from anyone for my mistakes, only from myself. i am who matters.

Thank you V for waiting for me to get through the marl...

4 comments:

Valyna said...

Beautiful post, darlin. I know these last few months have been quite difficult for you and I'm sorry that a portion of that is related to decisions I've made. I love the shit out of you and I would never want to cause you any pain. You know that.

Regardless of the discomfort, there's something great about that nasty muck... it's those really hollow, suffocating moments when you're stuck in it that bring the most clarity. I wish you all the happiness in the world as you head for the surface.

I love you, poodle.
xoxo

Helskel said...

...an inspiring post, indeed.

It may never be "100% again"...

but, perhaps it will someday be a different set of one hundred...

for a different day, a different life, and a beautiful, wiser, sexy, breathing different you, miss Kat.

Hold Fast, and keep noting the break of the clouds.

Rat In A Cage said...

Saw you at Valyna's & wanted to wish you luck with the recovery. I moved 3,000 miles from my friends & at times I just don't know what the hell I was thinking. It can get pretty lonely, but it usually picks back up. Good luck.

HellKat said...

V ~ your decision was not the issue... i want you to understand that. It was my selfish reaction. No apologies!!! you know i love you for eternity and i only wish for your hapiness...

H ~ thank you for your kind words and for keeping my girl safe from harm. You will always have my affection...

Rat ~ I appreciate your thoughts... day by day things are brighter. I will make it