Friday, October 19, 2007

I love squirrels...

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Especially ones that drink... :)

Thursday, October 18, 2007

It's been a while...

a lot has been going on, most of it not worthy of discussion let alone mention. i have been MIA for quite some time, mainly pouting about the shitty hand i have been dealt. yes, i have been a big ole baby about everything... whether it be my best friend moving a million hours away or the fact that my job and home life just plain suck, or any, and everything, in between, it has been eating away at the very core of my being.

generally, i am a positive person and i don't let much get me down, but DAMN!!!! a girl can only take so much before she jumps off the edge of the world and hopes to never return. i was that girl. i had had it and decided to cut myself off from all that i held close. it was easy. there were only two things left that i held enough emotion for to dispose of... one moved and the other was numb. not one fucking thing other than those mattered.

then i hit bottom. it's funny when you smack your face on the rock and slide further than you ever thought possible... people say it's rock bottom. i'm here to tell you the bottom is not rock. its marl. like the bottom of a lake. you sink in up to your hips. the more you struggle, the further it sucks you in. the further you sink, the harder you fight. the harder you fight, the further you sink... until you give up and concede to the muck. and you wait for it to pull you the rest of the way down. and you wait. and you wait. then you start to feel it settle. and you wait a little longer, hoping for that moment that it sucks you the rest of the way and puts you out of your misery. then it settles some more. then you get a little crazy and try to help it along but moving just a little... and you move easier than you thought you would. Fluke? you try again... it's still hard, but you move... Naw!! it can't be!!! you try another step. more movement. Hope??? progress... slow, agonizing progress...

i'm not 100%. i don't know that i ever will be again, but i know that i am closer to it than i have been in a long time. i have spent so much time blaming my problems on other, uncontrollable circumstances that i forgot that i am in control of my own destiny and my own happiness. the marl has taught me that. now i don't ask forgiveness from anyone for my mistakes, only from myself. i am who matters.

Thank you V for waiting for me to get through the marl...